Dear Human Rights Watch,

You recently contacted me regarding prison torture footage that was somehow received by your organization. I understand your extreme concern regarding the torture and the involuntary administration of “truth serums” you witnessed in this video, but listen, this dude had it coming.

For starters, it wasn’t even me doing the torturing; it was my six-year-old daughter and her friend who just happened to be over for a play date. She insisted on taking over to show her friend “how daddy usually does it.” Quit trying to put the blame on me already! Yes, the victim’s hand (not the plural “hands” mind you!) was bound extremely tight, but did you see the fashionable jump rope it was done with? You’re just like all of the other sourpuss human rights organizations that have no appreciation for style. Truth serum? Puhlease. It’s not like the kids inhumanely injected their victim with it. They laced a banana a fed it to him as a snack. And no, there aren’t electrodes in his hat, thank you very much. Just a few head lice that my kid picked out of her hair.

Listen, worry about the economy instead of wasting your time on worthless torture victims. Good job with Guantanamo, now let it go. The prisoner was busted out of jail anyway. There. I spoiled the ending for you.

Sincerely,
Anonymous