Oh yeah baby, here’s a fun one. David Hyman called me up a few days ago and asked if I wanted to do a birthday song and video for Liz’s (his lovely wife) birthday. That was a no-brainer, especially after all of the good material that Dave gave me (thanks also to Dana Smith, my lovely wife, for pitching in some useful tidbits). Here’s what I had to work with:

• she loves pizza
• she loves howard stern
• she’s madly in love with artie on the howard stern show.
• if you said baba booey (like they do on howard) to her that is the funniest thing in the world
• liz loves to sleep, sleeping is one of her greatest joys.
• she can watch magnolia (the movie) thousands of times
• she, as a child, lived on roller skates.
• she was also, briefly, in a gang.
• she loves broadway musicals
• she hates cleaning up after her husband
• you could tease her about being a club chick now as she loves going to the club.
• she can break out in old crazy irish songs as if she was an irish gal.
• she was approached on the street to do a kleenex commercial, and was able to cry in 10 seconds. it aired nationally.
• she’s the best jew in berkeley, and she’s not even a jew.

Here’s the song and video, enjoy:

MP3 to download:

I’m entering a contest to get a chance to be a social media “wine correspondent” http://www.areallygoodejob.com/. To enter, I need to make a one minute video about myself. Most of the videos are pretty lame, kind of a “this is why I’m qualified” routine. I’m doing a video with, of course, some music. I’ve got four mini-songs, but I only have room for three. Please vote for your least favorite song so I can finish making my video. By the way, I don’t expect to win, but I felt compelled to make a video because so many of the entries were lame. Hey, mine is going to be lame too, but a good kind of lame.

Click on the links below for the MP3s:
The Country Murphy-Goode Song

The Euro Murphy-Goode Song

The Hip Hop Murphy-Goode Song

The Rock Murphy-Goode Song

Let me also mention my idea for the sketch, which might help determine which one to axe. In the video, I’m going to be lamenting about what to do for my video. I’ll say “hey, I could do a song,” then it would cut to one of the mini-music videos. After the video a friend would be shaking her head like “dude, no way… that sucks.” So, I guess the least lame video should go.

Thanks to all of you who helped me with ideas for my girl’s b-day song. I carry the High School Musical b-day party theme through to the song, except I make the distinction that HSM is not real and sing about how her life is so much more fabulous. I played this song live for her b-day (just removed the guitar and vocal tracks) as Crash Lightning (http://www.crashlightning.com) and the performance was a hit. I never actually got around to making a decent recording with a bass track, but here’s my “demo” with first take vocals singing into my MacBook’s built in microphone. Stick around for the Euro dance groove at the end.

Click here for the MP3: this-is-real

I got up today
I thought about all my dreams last night

And though they were nice
My real life is so much better

On film it looks great
But it only just keeps repeating

It’s just a storybook tale
It’s only something that I’ve been dreaming

Sorry Troy, sorry Gab
This is my life and it’s way to fab

Tonight, you’ll be dreaming all about me
Look at my life, I’m as wild as the sea

It’s just like they say
Except I’m more fabulous this way

This has just begun
And I won’t stop rockin’ ‘til I’m done

‘Cause this is for real
I’m turning seven yeah that’s the deal

And I got the style
And all the moves that you’ll want to steal

Sorry Troy, sorry Gab
This is my life and it’s way to fab

Tonight, you’ll be dreaming all about me
Look at my life, I’m as wild as the sea

When it’s said and done
I’ll be as bright at noonday sun

So stick around with me
I’ll take you higher than the bourgeoisie

‘Cause this is for real
I’m turning seven yeah that’s the deal

And I got the style
And all the moves that you’ll want to steal

Sorry Troy, sorry Gab
This is my life and it’s way to fab

Tonight, you’ll be dreaming all about me
Look at my life, I’m as wild as the sea

There’s so many great things that go together: Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, Chocolate and Peanut Butter, 2006 Innocent Bystander Shiraz and LG Voyager phone for Verizon Wireless. Let’s focus on the later pair. They were both hot in their heyday, but have been hit hard by abuse and neglect. They both don’t work like they should and they’ll never recapture their former glory. Let’s examine this relationship further:

Any Rush fans out there! Woo hoo! Rush rocks! But that’s about it. They rock. I know that. Neil Peart is a super bitchin’ drummer. I know that. Getty Lee is a radical bass player with awesome hair. I know that. And that guitar player dude is cool too. Even though I was never super into Rush (never owned one of their albums), I go for long periods thinking that Rush is cool. But then the coolness is shattered when I remember the rap in “Roll the Bones” or hear the lyrics to “The Trees.” See exhibit A:

There is unrest in the forest,
There is trouble with the trees,
For the maples want more sunlight
And the oaks ignore their pleas.

The trouble with the maples,
(And they’re quite convinced they’re right)
They say the oaks are just too lofty
And they grab up all the light.
But the oaks can’t help their feelings
If they like the way they’re made.
And they wonder why the maples
Can’t be happy in their shade.

That is cool… if James Taylor wrote it. Sorry to say, but Rush’s supreme dorkiness far outweighs their coolness. Hardcore Rush fans will of course disagree since one great Rush moment for them can erase 20 lame Rush moments.

But that’s not what this post is about. It’s about the big man on the little drums rocking out to Rush’s “The Trees.” My broham to the max and ex-band mate, Bill McClintock, was in town for a night, but didn’t have any drums to rock out on. That’s where I step in by providing my 3-year-old’s Christmas present for the extreme jam sesh. Yesh, I said jam sesh beeyatches. Don’t forget about D-Rock on the bass either. Props for remembering that crap from high school. Enjoy:

Okay people. I have a serious issue I need to discuss with you. I was just pitched a story that I have to share, and it’s a story that has affected me at a very personal level.

When I was 16 years old, I had saved my pennies to buy a kick ass electric guitar. I needed something better than a Fender Hot Rod Telecaster, or a Gibson Flying V. I needed a Hondo Stratocaster. Hondos were made with designs based on the designs of lame models like the Fender Stratocaster and the Gibson Les Paul. But unlike Fenders and Gibsons, Hondos had life! The 1986 Hondo guitar I was salivating over was made in Korea and was a mind sucking black with a blazing white pickguard. I loved the frets because they promised to scrape my fingers, releasing my rock ‘n roll blood making me feel alive! I was told that the jack would make the most awesome sound when I was playing, something akin to “grrrblapphhhbrrrriingzzzzphhhh.” The pickup switch was even more incredible because somehow it was supposed to mimic the sound of the jack, but completely backwards. Very satanic dude.

I gathered my pennies together (which happened to be in my father’s wallet) and took them down to the guitar store on Broadway in downtown San Diego and there she was in the display window. I could smell her pheromones through the glass. It was all I could do to keep my pants on as I ran into the store and bum rushed the display to embrace my new love.

When I got her home, I plugged her in and started jamming. But what was this? No blood on my fingers. No “grrrblapphhhbrrrriingzzzzphhhh” from the jack. No nothing of the rock ‘n roll Satanism I was promised. I’m like “WTF?” I looked the guitar over and saw something curious on the headstock. The Hondo label was affixed rather shiftily. I took my little pinky nail and started scraping at it. What was under the Hondo label was the most shocking thing I have ever seen. It said “Fender.” I heard about counterfeit guitars on the market, but I never thought I’d be duped.

Fast-forward 23 years. David Szabados of Legendary Tones has heroically championed the persecution of counterfeit guitar manufacturers and is trying to spread the word virally. Check out his YouTube video below and do your part by spreading the word for consumers to do their research before plunking down a load of cash for a sweet Paul Reed Smith.

I’m in a Chinese restaurant, I order whale blubber pot stickers, then I look down at the table in horror. The image of a whale suddenly appears from small water spill. I immediately cancel my pot stickers and swear off whale blubber for life. No more perfumes, soaps, candles, margarine, you name it. I mean, I’m like really, LIKE REALLY freaked out by this. I made a huge decision in my life. I’m moving to the Thuy Tu communal house in Phan Thiet, Vietnam to join the whale cult. I will no longer be blogging, as that is not allowed there. I will still hold weekly trivia contests to create “songs for winners” and I eventually plan to start my own cult focused around this (while still devoting 20% of my time to the whale cult of course). I’m leaving in the morning. Please send me good wishes and help my wife provide for our children’s piano lessons and capoeira classes. Peace, love, and harmony y’all. Chào buổi tối!

Sometimes I get a little too cocky. I think I can write hit kid’s songs, make award-winning snacks, and give a Sassoon haircut. What you don’t know is that four out of five songs get panned (”If you do drugs, I’ll fuckin’ kill you” aren’t appropriate lyrics), snacks have induced fits of gagging (don’t try to mix cabbage in a smoothie), and my hair cutting abilities aren’t worthy of military barber’s assistant. I really had high hopes for my hairstyling career. I was going to prove to the world in this video that I could give a kick ass cut on my first try. While the end result wasn’t that bad, it took me almost an hour to accomplish. I kept cleaning it up and cleaning it up until there was nothing left but a $5 buzz cut. But you know, for the most part my kids don’t really care about all that stuff. We have a deal that if I wrong them in any way they’ll get an ice cream and a crisp $20 bill. They’re going to be fat and I’m going to be broke by November, 2009.

When my boy had his third birthday, I thought I’d forgo hiring an entertainer and just do it myself. I procrastinated and procrastinated until there were just 10 days left. I finally sat down and realized that it wasn’t too hard to write songs for a three year old boy. First off, I wrote a song about my musical persona, Crash Lightning, with just two lines of lyrics. Piece of cake. Then I wrote a song about my kid and how he likes to poop. No brainer. The I wrote a Halloween themed song. Not too hard. Finally, I ripped off Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” and made my own version, “Master of Mischief.”

Okay, now I’ve got my daughter’s seventh birthday in just five days and I told her I would write some songs. Dude, seven-year-old girls are way more complicated than three-year-old boys! There’s the “High School Musical” obsession, the clothes obsession, the art obsession, the new earring obsession, and the draaaama. Gotta step up my game. My problem is I only have time to write one song, but I’m having trouble narrowing down the subject matter. Can anyone give me some advice? There’s something in it for you if you help.

Let’s talk about the goodness of Anonymous Postcard for a minute. It’s so many things rolled into one, I don’t know where to begin. And yet it’s so simple. Love something? Hate something? Just have something to say? Submit a claim to Anonymous Postcard and artist Tucker Nichols will repurpose a found object, write your claim on it, and send it to the intended recipient. The great thing is that people actually respond. When I first saw this website I became obsessed with thinking about a lifetime of claims I could submit, potentially saving me from having to go into therapy.

For Christ’s sake, I live in Berkeley. Every day I practically have an epileptic seizure from all the crazy shenanigans all up in my hee-haw. (Do you know I’ve owned the URL “www.lovehateberkeley.com” for several years?) Now every time something horrible, terrific, or perfectly mundane happens, I think “claim.” I’ve got too many claims swimming around with the rocks in my head that I haven’t even been able to submit one yet. Here’s a perfect example of one taken from Anonymous Postcard:

Claim No.:
005820080911

To:
Employees of Panda Gifts, New Orleans, LA

Claim:
A co-worker who was on a business trip to New Orleans last month brought me back a voodoo doll. It’s nice. I keep it on my computer. It looks like this.

The instructions on the tag say that I can “place a personal item (like hair) inside the cloth to capture a part of [a person's] soul.” It comes with pins that I can stick into the doll, to cast a spell on that person.

Here’s my concern: Do you guys wear hairnets when you put these things together? Because I don’t want to stick pins in this thing thinking I’m hurting my boss, when really I’m hurting someone in New Orleans. Y’all have suffered enough.

Good stuff man, good stuff.

You know how a lot of blogs have “photo of the day” posts? Screw that. I’m doing photo of the night. I do all my blogging at night anyway, so it makes sense. People might think that it’s actually a photo of the night, like I’m really into planets, stars, full moons, and UFOs. It’s not, and I’m setting the record straight right now!

So, my old lady was checking herself out in our bedroom mirror and noticed she had antlers. She didn’t want to be photographed, so I took one for the team. I know, it’s a lame first “Photo of the Night,” but it reminds me of this book my grandmother had when I was a kid. It was all of these crazy happenstance photos, like a guy playing soccer, but the soccer ball just happened to be right in front of his head, so it gave the appearance that his head was a soccer ball. And what about the picture of the two cows standing parallel to each other, but their heads are in opposite directions giving the illusion that you’re looking at a two headed cow.

In our latest episode of Band Practice I think I might have found Jim Morrison’s lost lyrics on the bathroom floor. He’s rumored to have a practice space in the basement, so the lyrics could very well be his. They go like this: “This is what we call sane, the highly unlikely, the corners in our mouth, kick, vs. while I’m down, kick, vs. while I’m out.” If that isn’t J-Mo, I don’t know what is. And it sounds hella fresh paired with the band practicing behind the “vote republican, it’s easier than thinking” door.

In this episode, we’re very lucky to have the famous drummer Bill McClintock join us all the way from Carmel, Indiana. After my pathetic attempt at air drums, Bill shows us how to rock in the hallway. And Derek, well, I had to cut 10 min. of footage of him humping and licking the door. He really put it best at the end of the video, “run.” Enjoy…

We were a little upset that HBO was shining us on with our first pilot, but we decided to stick with the series. We even have a theme song. So let Kid Lightning and Thunder Boy take you on a tour of their rehearsal studio in search of the ultimate sonic bliss.

I was surfing for the SNL skit “Astronaut Jones” on YouTube the other day and came across a couple of dudes doing this parody.

Nothing extraordinarily special about the video, but for a second I thought the guy with the beard was me, only his hair was a little too short. Seeing this almost look alike, and the fact that someone commented, “clown haircut” on one of my videos, got me thinking that maybe it’s time for a haircut. Then I started reading the comments on this video and realized that johnny07652 is NOT a fan of the hipster-style cut (or the beard).

johnny07652
What’s with the beard? Is it supposed to be funny? Because it’s not. It just looks like a hipster douchebag with a fake beard trying to be funny and failing. Really lame.

twopoint0
What crawled up your colon?

johnny07652
You must be a giant hipster asshole. Newsflash - matted down hair is not stylish, it’s fucking GAY. Go fuck yourself, hipseter douchebag.

blakelovesmebest
you r such a horibel person

johnny07652
Fuck you, Hipster asshole. People with hair styled like yours should be burned at the stake, fucking stupid sheep following whatever MTV dictates you should have for a hairstyle, faggot hipster Motherfucker.

That settles it. Now I’m on a mission to try to get johnny07652I to like that haircut. I’m getting a haircut like that tomorrow and then I’ll take a sexy photo of myself and send it to him. I’m sure his next comment will be “I’m so sorry foundmyrosebud01. I feel like a different person today. You see, this gentleman emailed me a picture of himself with your hairstyle. All of a sudden it was like a light bulb went off in my head! I got in touch with my inner self and realized that my true identity is concealed in that haircut. Peace and love to all. P.S. Have you seen the video of the fawn cuddling with the cat? Sooo precious. P.P.S Hey blakelovesmebest, you’re a fucking GAY douchebag motherfucking hipseter faggot speller. Asshole.”

Suck on this johnny07652.

Spencer Owen, congratulations on winning the third trivia game for a song and video about you, by me.

Here are the top ten things I know about you.
10. You like to frequent California Pizza Kitchen
9. You have a big fan base in Scandinavia
8. Your hair grows at an alarmingly fast rate
7. You like Boredoms, R. Kelly, Prince, and 48,397 other musical artists
6. You have an obsession with Paul Simon’s “Graceland”
5. You wear vintage blazers to work
4. You met your girlfriend at one of your performances
3. You think L. Ron Hubbard and Scientology is fascinating
2. You were the only person in L.A. without a driver’s license and actually relied on public transportation
1. You never turn down a banana if offered one.

Song to download:
spencer-owen-song

LYRICS:
Banana! Banana! Banana! Banana!

Hey man on the telephone
Thrift store blazer on a Tuesday morn
at the movies with a large popcorn
When you were in LA you had to ride the bus home

Beck and Tom Cruise got something in common
‘Cause of them L. Ron Hubbard ain’t eatin’ top ramen
You got more potions than an Amazon Shaman
Is that how you picked up your lady when you were onstage jammin’?

Never been known to turn down a banana
You eat them ridin’ a horse in Montana
You eat them at Mardis Gras in Louisiana
Do you eat them on the plane back from Scandanavia?

Have you ever had a race?
Between the hair on your head and the hair on your face?
Twenty bucks says they both come in first place
Your hair is on crystal meth tweakin’ at a fast pace

Hey Spencer Owen
You keep the fresh beats flowin’
Do you dig Purple Rain
Play it my party that I’m throwin’

Hey Spencer Owen
Do you like the brothers Cohen
California Pizza Kitchen
If you’re headed I’m goin’

These are the ways of Spencer Owen
As he’s flowin’ through the universe in style
Let’s turn up R Kelly and Prince
And we will be here for a while

Question:
The Dead Kennedys and Beck each dissed on the same major corporation in one of their songs. What’s the corporation and what are the song titles?

If you don’t know, you should still answer as creatively, stupidly, or boringly as possible. You still might be a winner.

To answer, simply comment on this post. Your comments will be held unpublished by me until I pick a winner, so you don’t have to worry about everyone seeing your answer.

Good luck…

Ring, ring, “Hello? Who, HBO? You want to sign us on for a full season? Huh? Shine us on? For no reason? Oh. Whatever. Franks a lot.”

Bill Fleig, congratulations on winning the trivia contest on dowzit.com. Here is your prize. Yes, I would have liked to do another take of the video, but this was a one shot deal as I was not about to pick up all of those papers and try it again.

Song to download:
bill-fleig-song

Video:

LYRICS:
Hey Bill Fleeg or is it Flyg, gotta roll the dice
The “e” and “i” confused me once or twice

Check your list and make sure it’s concise
Then check your kids, they’re harboring head lice

$12 bottles of wine at Fellini
Chase it down with a straight up martini

You kinda look like a young Mussolini
But I bet you could cook a better fettuccini

Well, c’mon Bill from Libertyville
You get busy on the dance floor while no one else will

Running naked through the halls of Oberlin
I think I seen that on the web way back when

Bust out the flour and the rolling pin
Je vous dre o si bois du vin

Well, c’mon Bill from Libertyville
You get busy on the dance floor while no one else will

Play your Flatocaster just like a strat
It could be in tune or it could be flat

I’m pretty sure you got a friend named Matt
Kids never leave the house without a sunhat

Roll me a cigar, build me a house
Manage my project, get rid of my louse

Well, c’mon Bill from Libertyville
You get busy on the dance floor while no one else will
While no one else will
While no one else will

What cartoon character is tattooed on Tommy Lee of Motley Crue?

Comment on this post with the answer. If you don’t know the answer I’ll give points for being creative. Also, since everyone can see your answer, please don’t say, “I totally know it’s [blank] ’cause my cousin gave him the tattoo.” You have until 5pm today to answer. You get extra points if you post your answer to my wall on Facebook, as a reply on MOG.com, and @kmigdal on Twitter.

I might also escort you to a fancy ball if you give me the right answer. See a past winner below:

Dear Human Rights Watch,

You recently contacted me regarding prison torture footage that was somehow received by your organization. I understand your extreme concern regarding the torture and the involuntary administration of “truth serums” you witnessed in this video, but listen, this dude had it coming.

For starters, it wasn’t even me doing the torturing; it was my six-year-old daughter and her friend who just happened to be over for a play date. She insisted on taking over to show her friend “how daddy usually does it.” Quit trying to put the blame on me already! Yes, the victim’s hand (not the plural “hands” mind you!) was bound extremely tight, but did you see the fashionable jump rope it was done with? You’re just like all of the other sourpuss human rights organizations that have no appreciation for style. Truth serum? Puhlease. It’s not like the kids inhumanely injected their victim with it. They laced a banana a fed it to him as a snack. And no, there aren’t electrodes in his hat, thank you very much. Just a few head lice that my kid picked out of her hair.

Listen, worry about the economy instead of wasting your time on worthless torture victims. Good job with Guantanamo, now let it go. The prisoner was busted out of jail anyway. There. I spoiled the ending for you.

Sincerely,
Anonymous